Oh, the memories

I’ve discovered I’m something of a digital pack rat.

Whilst researching for this post, I’ve come across a plethora of things I’d saved in my journeys. Scans from magazines, pictures of things I did/made, archived web pages. It’s all quite interesting to me. I think I’d like to re-post some of these things periodically, both for posterity, and the possible entertainment of the rest of the interwebs.

I begin this with a script a few classmates and I created our senior year for either Children’s Theatre or something similar. It was Francis’ class regardless; we always had fun in there. It is the script for a puppet show starring an absent minded detective and Sean Connery.

Cheers.

–~

Harlo Doyle and the Case of the Camera Killer

Musical Interlude Esque Music, granted there will be no music, but hey maybe someone could hum, the possibilities are endless. As for Scenery I really Have no idea, I am guessing it is all imaginary, so think real hard folks, think it is a street or something, – come on your not trying, how do I know, well trust me I do, what, this is a run on ~.~ sentence with terrible grammar, well granted, I will put a period after here. So back to ~ the scene imagine a street. Maybe its dark, maybe neon glow illuminates it, maybe it is ~ post apocalyptic, at this point in the game I could really care less about what you imagine up here. So without further ado.

BILL I work for the mob and shoot the folk
If the pigs show up I don’t give a polk
I’ve got a camera, It can shoot bullets
I try to aim for guys with mullets
My name is Bill the Camera Killer
I think I will go kidnap Ben Stiller

Now we have scene changes. Music plays as the imaginary techies come out in you imaginary stage, you can’t see them because of the black out, but trust me, you have thought them up. Are they good or bad, well I would say there good, but that’s kind of up to you now isn’t it. So now we are Harlo’s office. Think Maltese Falcon.

HARLO: Hello my name is Harlo Doyle dective eye. I am hot on the trial of Bill the Camera Killer, who may be after Ben Stiller.

FROG: I will provide information with no explanation, then mysteriously disappear from the rest of the story.. I am frog, but I am a stool pigeon, Bill is on the set of .Meet the Grandparents

HARLO: I’ll be there in a moment, after lunch, a pottie break, and a quick nap.
~
So we change scene again. Same drill as last time. Now we open on shoddily made movie set set. When you look at the set you think “Wow these people must have spent all of their money on scripting and forgot about the set.” Then you realize that the script is mediocre at best. For the first 10 seconds of this scene you are distracted by the thought of “Where did the money go. “

HARLO: Great cow intestines! This place is a mess. Ahh a note. “I have Ben if you want him back come to the undisclosed location.

We are now going to an undisclosed location. What does it look like? I have no idea, this ~~ is your problem. Just think a place that exists in this world, a similar world, or a ~ dissimilar world.

SEAN: So you want to catch Capone?
HARLO: No, I want to catch Bill the Camera Killer (cue scary music).
SEAN: Oh.. well then, I guess I can do that too. HARLO: You think he kidnapped Ben.
SEAN : Yes I think he did, so we should follow the trail of sausage.

So we come to a new set once more. I really am running out of inspiration. Let me think… OK here we go. Imagine a pasture of flowers with a waterfall in the background. ~ Yeah, like the one in Star Wars.

BILL: If you want to know where Ben is you can’t hurt me. Meat me at the sausage factory.
SEAN: We will have to go to the sausage factory!
BILL: And bring this much money. (writes an amount of money)
HARLO: Is your mama a lama! That’s an absurd amount of money!
BILL: Goodbye gumfoots!
HARLO: Where can we get the money.
SEAN: We could take a loan out of a Swiss bank.
HARLO: No I have bad credit.
SEAN: We could callI-800-APPROVE.
HARLO: But would be need to dial 10-1 0-220?
SEAN: No, it’s an 800 number.
ALF: But with 10-10-220 all calls up to twenty minutes are just (gets shot)   BILL: I can’t stand wanna be Muppets.
SEAN: We’ll just show up and shoot him.
HARLO: But neither of us have guns, and besides that’s too violent.
SEAN: Well we will just go with out weapons, I don’t see how that could interfere with our plan.

~ ~ Now we get to go to the sausage factory. This is a really cool set. I wish you could see ~~ it. It has a big grinder, and those windows way up high, you know the ones. And bad ~ florescent lighting, it is way cool. It smells like sausage and sounds like a dull motor. ~ Think Upton Sinclair.

BILL: Those fools are in for a big surprise. Once they pay me the money I can buy this abandoned but strangely enough still operational sausage factory. (laughs evilly)
I am evil to the core Goodness I abhore
I love all of the sausage
Nothing rhymes with sausage
Once I dupe Harlo and Sean My sausage exploits will go on

Sean and Harlo burst in sorta dramatically.

SEAN: We have you surrounded!
BILL: No you don’t it is National Police People Don’t Work Today day.
HARLO: Where’s Ben, we need to find him.
BILL: And once you give me the money we can show him to you.
SEAN: Who is we?
BILL: Me!
HARLO: Jumping whale gills! We is plural.
BILL: I was referring to myself as a collective in a pseudo-shitzo sorta way. HARLO: Great cow intestines this is confusing.
BILL: None of the last five lines have furthered the plot even minutely. HARLO: Make that six.
SEAN: Seven.
BILL: SHUT UP! Do you have the money?

Next two lines are read at the same time

HARLO: NO! SEAN: YES!
HARLO: Where is BEN!
BILL: IN the sausage machine!
SEAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
HARLO: DITOOOOOOOOOO!
BILL: And now its time for a group picture, with my camera that shoots bullets, no flash needed.
HARLO: Really? Who is getting their picture taken?
BILL: You and Sean!
HARLO: Can I get the doubles?
SEAN: I’d like one two.
HARLO: You said two!
SEAN: As in also.
BILL: No as in the second numerical digit.
SEAN: No! I mean also.
HARLO: You used the wrong two then.
SEAN: How do you mean…wait that’s impossible! How can you tell.
BILL: Trust us we knOw.
SEAN: How in pandemonium could you. THEY sound exactly the same! HARLO: In the script is says to.
BILL: As in two or toO H
ARLO: Actually it says to.
SEAN: How do you spell it?
HARLO: T-O
SEAN: W ell I’ll be an orangutan’s surrogate mother.
BILL: That’s kind of ironic, I mean we were arguing over whether he said two or too and here the script says to, now did he say too, two, or to?
SEAN: What?
HARLO: It’ll take a bigger fish than that to get up early enough to catch me! SEAN: What are you talking about!?
HARLO: Of course you, Sean, are the real culprit.
BILL: Umm, yah, That’s right, now kill him!

HARLO: Ok give me the camera I want a picture of this mug.
BILL: OK, bwhaha.
HARLO: Say cheese! (Sneezes and shoots Bill.)
SEAN: That was an incredible act of trickery!
HARLO: Of course it….what was?
SEAN: Tricking Bill into giving you the camera.
HARLO: Right, planned it, hahaha, I knew he was the killer…
SEAN: Oh…
BILL: I want a death speech!
SEAN: Fair enough.
BILL: I never captured been Stiller! He was in Europe filming
I just wanted to buy a sausage plant so I could make good meat for all!

HARLO: Really! What were you going to use?
This abandoned factory of course
NO! I meant to make the meat!
BILL: Movie stars.
SEAN: Oh, now there no guilt in killing you.
BILL: Sounds so. It’s been fun, see you in the sequel when they’ll implausibly resurrect me.
I am dead
My name ain’t Fred
My schemes has failed
My intestines coiled
Now I depart
With a cold Heart
So long farewell
and go to (ack cough ack)

SEAN: Goodjob! We caught him. I am going to go catch Capone.
HARLO: Well…um…could I go with you?
SEAN: Fine by me. Hope you brought you wits.
HARLO: My what?
SEAN: Smarts, cleverness?
HARLO: Oh yeah, let me run home and get them!
SEAN: Being a puppet the vacant expression that would be humorous now does not work.
HARLO: Bouncing grape fruits! I almost forgot the about the closing song. SEAN: No only the villain sings.
HARLO: Goodnight folks, and if you think ofa catch line send it to me!

Curtain closes. Music plays. Out comes the frog and Alf They bow. Now Sean, the Bill, finally Harlow comes out. They bow, and leave and so should you. Go home! Why aren’t you leaving.

Edit: I found the pictures of the players.

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Hello; my name is Nicolaus E. Witchger. I am a graphic designer from Saginaw, MI best known for wearing bow ties and drinking single-malt scotch, dark beer, and espresso.

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